Thursday, February 24, 2011

like Sarah

I'm feeling a bit discouraged this morning. Something I've wanted for many years has been out of reach. Lately, there has been a slight glimmer of something hopeful far on the horizon. Then recently things changed again, and that hope of old is snuffed.

"Lay it down," says one. "I've heard many times that after one lays it down, out of the blue he is asked to take it up again."
"I did. When was the last time I brought it up?"
That didn't work.

Then God spoke to my heart, "Am I not enough? Why does this mean so much to you?"
I don't have an answer. "Wasn't it you who put this desire in me?"
And I feel like Abraham - or, Sarah, rather. Soon I will be too old. I may already be too old, looking at the average age of others.

And before you think that, I'm quite content with snuggling my grandkids, thank-you-anyway.

And there goes my Bible time ... lost in a pining for something unattainable. Why do I want it so much? As one asks, "What can you do there that you don't already do where you are?" and I don't have a good answer, "Pick the songs..." isn't why I want it. So I think to myself, if I don't have an answer, then my answer must be what I think isn't a good reason - to be in the lead. But it's hard to be this close and never get any closer.

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